Yesterday did not go well....I didn't get up until 6:45am and that only gave me enough time to start my coffee before peanut was up and then Monkey was up a short 30 min later. It took me nearly 3 hrs to write yesterday's post because of all the interruptions...ugh! And that was only the beginning... Goal to help Monkey during Nap Time...FAIL Had to run an event tent back to another restaurant about 1.5 hours from my house so with traffic it ended up being a 3.5 hr adventure during nap time :( Getting household chores done during the day...FAIL Boys in bed by 9:30...fail The day did not go well but when I was driving and the kids were screaming all I could think about was in only a few short hours when they are fast asleep I will have some peace with my books....(sigh)
So there I sat last night with my candles lit, tea kettle warming on the stove, slightly frustrated with myself for the way the day went but despite the swept but not mopped floor that was under my feet and the pile of unfolded laundry that sat on the pool tale behind me, I was calm again. With this challenge I have found a place to feel peaceful at night. No matter what kind of day I have had the Word of God has given me some comfort.
Then I read my devotional for the night and I was confused...
"Jesus asked the boy's father, 'How long has he been like this?' 'From childhood,' he answered. 'It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. If you can?' Jesus said 'Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'" Mark 9:21-24
Kathy Medina went on to write her personal reflections on healing. She is convinced that God will heal her son someday...this kind of confused me because she made me feel like because I don't think God will heal my son I am not a believer. I believe God is capable and if it is part of his plan to heal my son, he can and will do it but I don't feel the need to pray for that healing everyday. Does this make me an unbeliever? I was very confused and a little concerned about my faith, had I missed something? SO I sat there blankly staring at my Bible "looking" for my answers but really I was just flipping the pages and praying to God for an answer to come flying out at me...lol I was crazy, it takes reading to find the answer not just blank stares...BUT I did find my answer with my prayers and reflections. Of course God does not heal all who believe on earth but he does heal you of all when you reach heaven. SO then I was on a quest to find the right scripture to back me up on this and stumbled on this scripture that spoke to me the most.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak , then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
So I am not wrong to think like that. God does chose not to heal in some cases because he sees a greater purpose in the weakness than in the healing. I guess where I see my own unbelief is in the fear that if God does choose to heal my Son then he will lose some of his quirks that make him who he is and the things that make him special. I have to believe that God has made him this way for a reason and I will see that reason in time. I also have to see that if healing is what is part of the plan that God has plans beyond my understanding at this time. The control freak in me has a hard time with letting go and and just accepting sometimes.
Because the devotional was all about healing I decided to grab my "Autism Sourcebook" for my non-Bible Study time. I opened up to the section on "Healing" expecting some kind of crazy chapter on how to heal your child's Autism (there are A LOT of theories out there on what the right cure is) I personally feel it is a neurological condition of the brain and the only thing that can truly heal it would be a miracle of God but I do feel with proper treatment and dedication you can get your child to a point where they appear to be "normal" and lead a "normal" life but I think the Autism is always there even if you have found a way to deal with it...ok off my soap box (I am sure others have their different opinions but this is just mine)
So, based on previous books I have read I was pleasantly surprised to read this...
"What I'm really talking about in this chapter is self-healing: accepting ourselves, our spouses, our families, and our children with ASDs."
"I now think of healing as an active process: an energetic and constantly evolving process that encompasses hope and acceptance."
"It's amazing what can happen when we really accept our children. We learn to experience life in the moment. Our perspectives change. We value the things we used to take for granted. We learn to celebrate little victories. In fact, little victories become monumental events--our child waves or claps for the first time; we get our first real hug from our four-year-old; we have a family outing, and there's not one tantrum. Allowing ourselves to embrace these moments is part of the healing process."
It was nice to read this chapter on healing because it just reaffirmed what I am doing is the right thing for this stage in my journey with my Son. Instead of obsessing over what I can do to heal him I have to get myself in the right place to help him and that place is at peace with our lives. At peace with the challenges that lay ahead for us. Accepting and without expectation, unattainable expectations will only hurt him and frustrate me and those are two feelings we do not need to add to this already chaotic life we lead. Peace and Love in the chaos...is what we need to hold on to. I thank God for this challenge because it is bringing me to the right place, oh Lord how you know my heart better than I :)
Goal for Today: Same as yesterday..."Puzzle Time with Mommy"
Come back later for my Recipe Share! I am getting back to that finally! I have a yummy dessert to share and lots of pics to illustrate :)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Day 1- Peaceful
So, I am not sure how these post are going to go...I am just kind of going with the flow of what I feel like writing and I am kind of a structure type person so I will structure these post as I see fits but it may not be the same everyday :)
So I did really well with my challenge yesterday. I was up at 6am writing yesterday's post, I got all my household chores done during the day with a little help from my husband since he was off yesterday and even had time for the beach yesterday afternoon. I wanted some me time so my husband took the boys down the beach and left me to read and I had grabbed Temple Grandin's book off my night stand before we left. I have been meaning to start this book for some time but had not gotten to it so I dug in. It was a lot of info in only a few short articles. She really opens your eyes to the way the Autistic child sees the world, especially a sensory sensitive one. The part I really felt spoke to me was about focusing on the strengths of your child and stop trying to fix everything "abnormal" about them because some things you think need to be fixed could be the very things that make them excellent. She feels like if we mess with genetics to "cure" ASD then we will have side effects we don't want, eliminating the very things about Autistics that make them so amazing. She feels that getting rid of Autism may eliminate the future of great people like Einstein, Thomas Jefferson and Bill Gates. These are all people she cited as possibly falling on the spectrum somewhere. Anyway, she feels we need to nurture and encourage some of the things that make our children so special just like any "normal" child and stop focusing on the characteristics that make them different from other children because especially in high functioning Autistics those characteristics are manageable with proper therapy and dedication.
Here were a few quotes from her I really liked...
"So if we get rid of the genetics that cause Autism, there might be a horrible price to pay."
"Well it would be nice to get rid of the causation for the severely impaired, if there was a way we could preserve some of the genetics, too. But the problem is that there are a lot of different interacting genes. If you get a little bit of the trait, it's good; you get too much of the trait, it is bad."
"There is often too much emphasis in the world of Autism on the deficits of these children and not enough emphasis on developing the special talents that many of them possess."
"Fixations and special interests should be directed into constructive channels instead of being abolished to make the person more "normal".
"Interests and talents can be turned into careers. Developing and nurturing these unique abilities can make life more fulfilling for a person with autism."
SO it seems yesterday I did things a little out of the order I had intended but I still got 50 pgs of non-Bible studying done in peace because I had help. Today will be different but like I have always believed God is mysterious in his ways because when I sat down to do my Bible study last night this was the first thing I read to start Day 1 in my devotional...
"Do not Conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
It brought me right back to the place I had been just a few hours before in the Temple Grandin book...maybe God is trying to realign my focus and to encourage me to think more positively...maybe :) I have spent so much time in waiting with my Son. I feel like I wait for the next meeting or Dr. appt rather than living in the moment and trying to encourage his great talents and trust me he has some amazing abilities. I am not sure what they will lead to but that is not for me to focus on I need to trust "God's will...His good, pleasing and perfect will." for my Son's life.
"Someday we will know how perfect His plan really is for our children and ourselves." -Kathy Medina So as I dug into my Bible after reading my devotional for the night I stubbled on many quotes that encouraged me and continued to bring me back to this same place. It is not my place to for see the future, only God can do that and he already knows what greatness my little Monkey has for the world and it is my job to encourage and help raise him to be that great Child of God he was born to be! "Train a Child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6
I ended my nightly study with a sense of Peace and without Expectation which is a good place for me. I am the one who is always expecting too much and then I am disappointed when plans don't go as I had imagined. A lack of expectation is a good place for me.
I am setting a goal for myself today...putting my studies into action! I am going to spend my little Peanut's nap time encouraging and developing one of Monkey's talents. It will be "Puzzle Time with Mommy"
So I did really well with my challenge yesterday. I was up at 6am writing yesterday's post, I got all my household chores done during the day with a little help from my husband since he was off yesterday and even had time for the beach yesterday afternoon. I wanted some me time so my husband took the boys down the beach and left me to read and I had grabbed Temple Grandin's book off my night stand before we left. I have been meaning to start this book for some time but had not gotten to it so I dug in. It was a lot of info in only a few short articles. She really opens your eyes to the way the Autistic child sees the world, especially a sensory sensitive one. The part I really felt spoke to me was about focusing on the strengths of your child and stop trying to fix everything "abnormal" about them because some things you think need to be fixed could be the very things that make them excellent. She feels like if we mess with genetics to "cure" ASD then we will have side effects we don't want, eliminating the very things about Autistics that make them so amazing. She feels that getting rid of Autism may eliminate the future of great people like Einstein, Thomas Jefferson and Bill Gates. These are all people she cited as possibly falling on the spectrum somewhere. Anyway, she feels we need to nurture and encourage some of the things that make our children so special just like any "normal" child and stop focusing on the characteristics that make them different from other children because especially in high functioning Autistics those characteristics are manageable with proper therapy and dedication.
Here were a few quotes from her I really liked...
"So if we get rid of the genetics that cause Autism, there might be a horrible price to pay."
"Well it would be nice to get rid of the causation for the severely impaired, if there was a way we could preserve some of the genetics, too. But the problem is that there are a lot of different interacting genes. If you get a little bit of the trait, it's good; you get too much of the trait, it is bad."
"There is often too much emphasis in the world of Autism on the deficits of these children and not enough emphasis on developing the special talents that many of them possess."
"Fixations and special interests should be directed into constructive channels instead of being abolished to make the person more "normal".
"Interests and talents can be turned into careers. Developing and nurturing these unique abilities can make life more fulfilling for a person with autism."
SO it seems yesterday I did things a little out of the order I had intended but I still got 50 pgs of non-Bible studying done in peace because I had help. Today will be different but like I have always believed God is mysterious in his ways because when I sat down to do my Bible study last night this was the first thing I read to start Day 1 in my devotional...
"Do not Conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2
It brought me right back to the place I had been just a few hours before in the Temple Grandin book...maybe God is trying to realign my focus and to encourage me to think more positively...maybe :) I have spent so much time in waiting with my Son. I feel like I wait for the next meeting or Dr. appt rather than living in the moment and trying to encourage his great talents and trust me he has some amazing abilities. I am not sure what they will lead to but that is not for me to focus on I need to trust "God's will...His good, pleasing and perfect will." for my Son's life.
"Someday we will know how perfect His plan really is for our children and ourselves." -Kathy Medina So as I dug into my Bible after reading my devotional for the night I stubbled on many quotes that encouraged me and continued to bring me back to this same place. It is not my place to for see the future, only God can do that and he already knows what greatness my little Monkey has for the world and it is my job to encourage and help raise him to be that great Child of God he was born to be! "Train a Child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6
I ended my nightly study with a sense of Peace and without Expectation which is a good place for me. I am the one who is always expecting too much and then I am disappointed when plans don't go as I had imagined. A lack of expectation is a good place for me.
I am setting a goal for myself today...putting my studies into action! I am going to spend my little Peanut's nap time encouraging and developing one of Monkey's talents. It will be "Puzzle Time with Mommy"
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
New Focus and a 40-Day Challenge
I have stopped posting for awhile...there really has not been any news to report and I have been feeling discouraged because everything is moving very slow until the last couple weeks but even with that there is nothing more for another few weeks. I will post the update in my "Where are we?" Tab after I finish this post.
I had decided a few months ago I was changing the direction of this blog a little. I wanted to infuse my faith more because it is a huge part of my life but once I decided to make that more of a focus I was at a loss, I didn't know what to write anymore. The truth is I have been relying mostly on Therapists and Doctors and not at all on God, when it comes to my Son, and that is where I have been going wrong. This revelation hit me while my Husband and I were vacationing in Jan. (We won a fabulous trip to St. Lucia from his company) I got a disturbing e-mail three days into the trip from my Sis-in-Law, who was caring for our kids. She was having a really difficult time with our little Monkey, he was becoming aggressive and and at times uncontrollable and she was overwhelmed. My biggest fear and the reason I cried when I left my kids was coming true...I realized that my life really was going to be different, when other parents' biggest concerns are that there kids will cry for them and miss them, mine will always be will this untrained family member or friend be up for the challenge of taking on my kid... I knew I was on this Island in the Caribbean and I couldn't get back for 4 more days so I was left with no choice but to turn to God and pray for my Boys and my Sister-in-Law and that was when I realized I had not done that enough when it came to my Son. Sure, in my desperate moments when I think it is all too much and he is having an uncontrollable tantrum, I often lock myself in a bathroom and cry and pray but that is always a quick prayer of desperation "God, please make him stop, I can't take anymore today!" I have never taken the time in my Bible reading or studies to just focus on this major issue in our lives. It seems so crazy to me now but I think I was so focused on what the medical research had to offer to comfort me, that I lost sight of the one place in my life I have always felt true comfort and HOPE!
So, here I am with a new focus for 40 days...
Finding God in Autism by Kathy Medina…the only Christian Devotional (I could find) for parents with ASD Children. And of course God knows my heart and led me to this one because it offers a challenge in the intro and he knows I need that to stay focused. Kathy Medina, the author, started this devotional because of her own 40-day challenge she placed on herself.
Hers was 3 part and they were things she knew would be difficult to do but that only strengthened her commitment:
1. “First, I promised to read my Bible every single day. Seven days a week and reading in church on Sunday did not count! I committed to having a personal study with God every single day for forty days.”
2. “Second, I committed to laying hands on our son and praying in my prayer language every night for forty consecutive nights. After our son was asleep, I would kneel by his bedside and pray while laying my hands on him.”
3. “Third, I committed to taking communion and remembering what Christ’s bloodshed did for me every single night for forty consecutive days.”
So in this intro she shares how God blessed her and it is amazing and truly inspiring to read so I am so excited to start this devotional! My challenge is going to have a couple more parts, I was going to try to stick to just three but I want to add a couple because I feel like I need to commit to a couple things that are not part of this devotional to make it possible for me to do this challenge. So…here it is…
1. I am committing to doing this devotional every night after the kids go to bed. I only get enough quiet time at night to get the right focus for this study. And as part of the devotional I will of course be reading my Bible as well.
2. I am committing to studying one of my reference books on Autism as well (I have a law course on special needs laws I am getting ready to start and that will be part of this challenge), once a day, after I complete my Bible time, so that I have good focus.
3. I am committing to praying over my Son every night.
4. I am committing to getting up at 6am every morning to have me time and to blog about my devotional time and study time from the night before. As part of this I am going to keep a prayer journal during my devotional times to reference and help me be a good testimate to God’s Blessings in my life now and in the future.
5. Lastly, in order to make all this possible I need to commit to finishing all my household chores during the day in order to allow my self proper time and focus at night to do my devotional and study time. I normally do most my chores at night after the kids go to bed so that I can just muscle through and get them done without interruption from the kids but both boys are big enough now that I should be able to make the time during the day to muscle through and get things done with little to no interruption, I just have not made that transition because I am too comfortable in my ways…see I needed this challenge :)
I had decided a few months ago I was changing the direction of this blog a little. I wanted to infuse my faith more because it is a huge part of my life but once I decided to make that more of a focus I was at a loss, I didn't know what to write anymore. The truth is I have been relying mostly on Therapists and Doctors and not at all on God, when it comes to my Son, and that is where I have been going wrong. This revelation hit me while my Husband and I were vacationing in Jan. (We won a fabulous trip to St. Lucia from his company) I got a disturbing e-mail three days into the trip from my Sis-in-Law, who was caring for our kids. She was having a really difficult time with our little Monkey, he was becoming aggressive and and at times uncontrollable and she was overwhelmed. My biggest fear and the reason I cried when I left my kids was coming true...I realized that my life really was going to be different, when other parents' biggest concerns are that there kids will cry for them and miss them, mine will always be will this untrained family member or friend be up for the challenge of taking on my kid... I knew I was on this Island in the Caribbean and I couldn't get back for 4 more days so I was left with no choice but to turn to God and pray for my Boys and my Sister-in-Law and that was when I realized I had not done that enough when it came to my Son. Sure, in my desperate moments when I think it is all too much and he is having an uncontrollable tantrum, I often lock myself in a bathroom and cry and pray but that is always a quick prayer of desperation "God, please make him stop, I can't take anymore today!" I have never taken the time in my Bible reading or studies to just focus on this major issue in our lives. It seems so crazy to me now but I think I was so focused on what the medical research had to offer to comfort me, that I lost sight of the one place in my life I have always felt true comfort and HOPE!
So, here I am with a new focus for 40 days...
Finding God in Autism by Kathy Medina…the only Christian Devotional (I could find) for parents with ASD Children. And of course God knows my heart and led me to this one because it offers a challenge in the intro and he knows I need that to stay focused. Kathy Medina, the author, started this devotional because of her own 40-day challenge she placed on herself.
Hers was 3 part and they were things she knew would be difficult to do but that only strengthened her commitment:
1. “First, I promised to read my Bible every single day. Seven days a week and reading in church on Sunday did not count! I committed to having a personal study with God every single day for forty days.”
2. “Second, I committed to laying hands on our son and praying in my prayer language every night for forty consecutive nights. After our son was asleep, I would kneel by his bedside and pray while laying my hands on him.”
3. “Third, I committed to taking communion and remembering what Christ’s bloodshed did for me every single night for forty consecutive days.”
So in this intro she shares how God blessed her and it is amazing and truly inspiring to read so I am so excited to start this devotional! My challenge is going to have a couple more parts, I was going to try to stick to just three but I want to add a couple because I feel like I need to commit to a couple things that are not part of this devotional to make it possible for me to do this challenge. So…here it is…
1. I am committing to doing this devotional every night after the kids go to bed. I only get enough quiet time at night to get the right focus for this study. And as part of the devotional I will of course be reading my Bible as well.
2. I am committing to studying one of my reference books on Autism as well (I have a law course on special needs laws I am getting ready to start and that will be part of this challenge), once a day, after I complete my Bible time, so that I have good focus.
3. I am committing to praying over my Son every night.
4. I am committing to getting up at 6am every morning to have me time and to blog about my devotional time and study time from the night before. As part of this I am going to keep a prayer journal during my devotional times to reference and help me be a good testimate to God’s Blessings in my life now and in the future.
5. Lastly, in order to make all this possible I need to commit to finishing all my household chores during the day in order to allow my self proper time and focus at night to do my devotional and study time. I normally do most my chores at night after the kids go to bed so that I can just muscle through and get them done without interruption from the kids but both boys are big enough now that I should be able to make the time during the day to muscle through and get things done with little to no interruption, I just have not made that transition because I am too comfortable in my ways…see I needed this challenge :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Recipe Share Friday
Ok, so we had a super busy week it feels like so there was not a ton of homemade from scratch meals going on but this is what I made for breakfast one morning and my Hubby LOVED it and the kids both liked it too.
This week's recipe is both Gluten and Dairy free for those that follow the die that strictly. But for those that don't a little melted cheese over the top of these is delish!
Potato Pancakes
4 cups of peeled, grated, rinsed and squeezed dry Golden Potatoes
4 eggs, beaten
2 cups of diced ham (I use the boiled lunch meat)
1/2 cup Brown Rice flour (better for you than white rice flour :))
Olive Oil for frying them in.
Mix all the ingredients in a big bowl and combine well.
Heat just enough Olive Oil to coat the bottom of a frying pan over medium-high heat.
Drop spoonfuls of the potato mix in the pan and flatten them like a pancake, cook for 3-4 minutes on eachside. When finshed remove and place on papertowel to absorb the extra grease. Replenish oil in pan as needed.
This recipe is large but put the leftovers in the fridge for the next morning or heat them up as a side with dinner that night (that is what we did, we are not picky about variety in our house)
This week's recipe is both Gluten and Dairy free for those that follow the die that strictly. But for those that don't a little melted cheese over the top of these is delish!
Potato Pancakes
4 cups of peeled, grated, rinsed and squeezed dry Golden Potatoes
4 eggs, beaten
2 cups of diced ham (I use the boiled lunch meat)
1/2 cup Brown Rice flour (better for you than white rice flour :))
Olive Oil for frying them in.
Mix all the ingredients in a big bowl and combine well.
Heat just enough Olive Oil to coat the bottom of a frying pan over medium-high heat.
Drop spoonfuls of the potato mix in the pan and flatten them like a pancake, cook for 3-4 minutes on eachside. When finshed remove and place on papertowel to absorb the extra grease. Replenish oil in pan as needed.
This recipe is large but put the leftovers in the fridge for the next morning or heat them up as a side with dinner that night (that is what we did, we are not picky about variety in our house)
Can Any One Say Happy Dance?????
I am so HAPPY! We had our Neuro Appt yesterday and the Doc seems to have a lot of faith in the Non-Profit that referred us to him because he pretty much took everything I told him about their Diagnosis Outcome and went with it. We are getting all the therapies we need plus he is putting in a diagnosis to get us into the School Districts Early Intervention Services! YEAH YEAH!!! I feel like I can breath again! All the scripts should be written up by Monday and I will be able to give access to the therapy place and school district then! YEAH YEAH! Oh and our final diagnosis was Sensory Processing Disorder and Developmental Delay. He is holding off on the Autism Label until we reach Kindergarten or 1st Grade because he is leaning towards a possible Aspergers Diagnosis. Which is great because I don't want my son to have to carry around a label that is incorrect for the rest of his schooling career and he is still young and his symptoms could change and as we get into the therapies we could see things change as well. So anyway, I have been doing the Happy Dance all morning because I am so excited to be moving on in our crazy, beautiful, amazing journey as my little Monkey's Mommy!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Why I am the Mom I am today!
Sorry I have been MIA a few days...We have had a lot going on and none of it has to do with our two boys that live with us but it has brought me to new focus on them.
Little Background:
My Husband and I have a significant age difference and with that age difference came a previous marriage/family for him. He has Twin boys (yes, he is a boy making machine) and they are 17 years old now. When I first met them they were a mere 9 years old and OH SO CUTE with there little head bopping, singing to every song on the radio selves...those were the days :) Anyway, my husband and I married when the twins were 11 and one year later they moved in with us. There was a significant distance between us and the ex (like, three states) and the twins had said from the day I met them that when they were 12 and they could decide where they wanted to live they would move in with their Dad, so the summer after their 12th birthday that is what they did! We were so excited and so happy to have them, we had already planned to expand the family and my husband had just taken on a new job to support our quickly growing family, it was a honeymoon period that lasted just a couple months and then the school year started and real life set in. I was a "new" Mom to pre-teen boys and it was tough, I am not going to lie and say it was so blissful and wonderful because it wasn't. It was a huge learning and growing experience and with every growing experience there are always growing pains. The boys tried their hardest to make it easy for me but they had some habits with school that had never been addressed before and they were struggling with the new accountability we had put in place. We knew as parents what we wanted as an end result but we were not very good at navigating to it. We loved them and only wanted what was best for them, so we grounded them A LOT because we didn't know what else to do...it was explained best to us by the school counselor, he said we were essentially taking on foster kids even though there was a biological tie there it was still a completely new dynamic in their relationships with us because we had only had them for the "fun" summers in the past. And he was right! I spent many times in my walk in closet on the floor talking to God and crying wondering if I could keep going!?! SO, fast forward 9 months and one of the twins has a sneak attack on us of the ex showing up at school to take him with her back to her state...I could go on and on about it but I don't want this to be about bashing the ex; I will just say the end result was we now only had one of the twins living with us. I will refer to him as "Roadrunner" from now on, he was an AMAZING track athlete, and there was talk of scholarships in his future if he had stuck with it. Anyway, Roadrunner lived with us for a total of almost 4 years. We had a special relationship and he had a really special bond with our little Monkey; Monkey said his name before he ever said Mama :) Two Months before Roadrunner left his twin came back to live with us, he said he needed the structure and discipline again because he was struggling to get on track with school and he had heard how well Roadrunner was doing and wanted to do the same. This brought lots of adjustment issues. It was hard on all of us but we were willing to dig in and do the work. But it just didn't work for them I guess because shortly after Christmas they ran away and were missing for 3 days...I was 9 months pregnant with my second son and I was surprised the stress didn't put me into labor. It turns out they drained Roadrunners bank acct and took all his cash he had piled up from tips (he was a busboy/host) I think a total of approx $1000 is what we estimated they had and they bought Greyhound bus tickets and took Greyhound across three states to get to the state the ex lived in and the second twin had been living previously to moving back in with us, so he had friends there. Once they got there they hid out with a few friends for another day before finally coming out of hiding and letting us know where they were. They made the decision to stay with their Mom and they have been with her ever since until a couple months ago, Roadrunner decided he wanted to make some drastic changes and get back on track with school and moved in with his Best Friend from middle school and his family, with whom we are friends and that made us very happy because now we were going to have open communication with him again. Approx 6 months after they moved in with their Mom they had cut off almost all communication with us. I turns out, as we suspected the twins were no longer in school and their had been some issues with drugs and that is what Roadrunner was getting away from. It was so bad that Roadrunner was a full year behind in school from his friends. I am sure it was a difficult thing to face for him and he struggled again but we really thought this time he was in a place where he could persevere through this but just 4 days ago we got a call from the Dad in the family Roadrunner was living with and Roadrunner was moving back to his Mom's...heartbroken is the best way I can describe how I felt. I think heartbroken best describes the combination of anger, fear and sadness I was feeling that day. I really had a special bond with him because he had lived with us for so long and I was filled with so much hope when he made this huge grown up decision to turn his life around and when he changed his mind and moved back on Friday I didn't know what to think! This time he hurt a lot of people he was very close to and that was the hardest part for me to wrap my mind around because even with all the issues we have had and hard times we have been through with him, he has maintained his respect for the people who have always been there for him but he didn't walk away from this situation with his head held high or with the honesty and integrity that I had seen in him in the past. So that was part one of my weekend...my Husband and I spent all day Fri and Sat being angry and upset over all this and then Sunday we spent the day in fellowship with friends from church and then I went to a Matthew West Concert on Sunday night. It was the most moving experience I have ever had and I really needed it that day. It is amazing how God works! The theme of Matthew West's new album is "The Story of Your Life"; he asked his fans to write to him their stories and he was going to write his songs based on some of the stories he received. There were stories of triumph and sadness but over all he did an amazing job of choosing stories that everyone can relate to and writing the songs in a way that you feel like he truly wrote it about your life as well. My new theme song for my life is "Strong Enough" Have you ever heard the phrase "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much" I have heard this several times in my life as a stepmom and also as a mom to my biological sons and now one of those Sons has some serious struggles with behavioral issues. And I have believed it in my heart and there have been times where I was angry with God for putting me through all this and angry at myself for not understanding why God would put this on me but I have new light and understanding!
Sunday was a huge turning point for me and changed the course of my life as a Mom and this blog. I am still here to reach out to other Moms going through the same things I am going through because I was convicted to do it but I am not going to only make subtle mention of my faith in here anymore because in all honesty God is number one in my life and I should not hide that for fear that some will not read what I have to say because of it. I should have faith in the Lord that he convicted me to come out of my comfort zone and share my story with the Blog world for a reason and hiding him in the process will not give him the glory or allow this blog to be everything he wanted it to be. Another heart changing thing that has happen since Sunday is the process of letting go...I am cleansing my new life and letting go of some of the painful baggage. I am not calling my stepsons baggage but the emotions I have tied to them over the past 5 years are the baggage I am holding on to and it is hindering my ability to move on. I will always love them because I feel like they are my sons too but they are almost 18 and they have been making grown up decisions for some time now and they will have to learn the consequences of those decisions on their own. We have tried to talk and lecture them on the mistakes they are making but it has done nothing but frustrate us and make us angry and that is something we have to let go of. We have to accept that we have done everything we can to help so far and it has been with no acceptance from them. We will pray for them to be successful in whatever they decide to do in their lives but that is all we are going to do for now. I am a huge fan of Intervention and that is where I think we are with the twins...We will do ANYTHING to help them get better but there is nothing we will do to continue to support their decision to stay on the path they are on. Also as part of this cleansing I am no longer going to waste my energy on "spying" on them on Facebook and MySpace, it is not worth it because there is nothing we can do about what we see other than worry and that only takes away from our focus on the two little ones we have in the house. I love those twins more than they will ever realize but I have to let go and restructure my priorities to make a healthier environment for my little guys and I think all this growing and learning has only made me a stronger woman, wife and mother and that I will be eternally grateful for!
Little Background:
My Husband and I have a significant age difference and with that age difference came a previous marriage/family for him. He has Twin boys (yes, he is a boy making machine) and they are 17 years old now. When I first met them they were a mere 9 years old and OH SO CUTE with there little head bopping, singing to every song on the radio selves...those were the days :) Anyway, my husband and I married when the twins were 11 and one year later they moved in with us. There was a significant distance between us and the ex (like, three states) and the twins had said from the day I met them that when they were 12 and they could decide where they wanted to live they would move in with their Dad, so the summer after their 12th birthday that is what they did! We were so excited and so happy to have them, we had already planned to expand the family and my husband had just taken on a new job to support our quickly growing family, it was a honeymoon period that lasted just a couple months and then the school year started and real life set in. I was a "new" Mom to pre-teen boys and it was tough, I am not going to lie and say it was so blissful and wonderful because it wasn't. It was a huge learning and growing experience and with every growing experience there are always growing pains. The boys tried their hardest to make it easy for me but they had some habits with school that had never been addressed before and they were struggling with the new accountability we had put in place. We knew as parents what we wanted as an end result but we were not very good at navigating to it. We loved them and only wanted what was best for them, so we grounded them A LOT because we didn't know what else to do...it was explained best to us by the school counselor, he said we were essentially taking on foster kids even though there was a biological tie there it was still a completely new dynamic in their relationships with us because we had only had them for the "fun" summers in the past. And he was right! I spent many times in my walk in closet on the floor talking to God and crying wondering if I could keep going!?! SO, fast forward 9 months and one of the twins has a sneak attack on us of the ex showing up at school to take him with her back to her state...I could go on and on about it but I don't want this to be about bashing the ex; I will just say the end result was we now only had one of the twins living with us. I will refer to him as "Roadrunner" from now on, he was an AMAZING track athlete, and there was talk of scholarships in his future if he had stuck with it. Anyway, Roadrunner lived with us for a total of almost 4 years. We had a special relationship and he had a really special bond with our little Monkey; Monkey said his name before he ever said Mama :) Two Months before Roadrunner left his twin came back to live with us, he said he needed the structure and discipline again because he was struggling to get on track with school and he had heard how well Roadrunner was doing and wanted to do the same. This brought lots of adjustment issues. It was hard on all of us but we were willing to dig in and do the work. But it just didn't work for them I guess because shortly after Christmas they ran away and were missing for 3 days...I was 9 months pregnant with my second son and I was surprised the stress didn't put me into labor. It turns out they drained Roadrunners bank acct and took all his cash he had piled up from tips (he was a busboy/host) I think a total of approx $1000 is what we estimated they had and they bought Greyhound bus tickets and took Greyhound across three states to get to the state the ex lived in and the second twin had been living previously to moving back in with us, so he had friends there. Once they got there they hid out with a few friends for another day before finally coming out of hiding and letting us know where they were. They made the decision to stay with their Mom and they have been with her ever since until a couple months ago, Roadrunner decided he wanted to make some drastic changes and get back on track with school and moved in with his Best Friend from middle school and his family, with whom we are friends and that made us very happy because now we were going to have open communication with him again. Approx 6 months after they moved in with their Mom they had cut off almost all communication with us. I turns out, as we suspected the twins were no longer in school and their had been some issues with drugs and that is what Roadrunner was getting away from. It was so bad that Roadrunner was a full year behind in school from his friends. I am sure it was a difficult thing to face for him and he struggled again but we really thought this time he was in a place where he could persevere through this but just 4 days ago we got a call from the Dad in the family Roadrunner was living with and Roadrunner was moving back to his Mom's...heartbroken is the best way I can describe how I felt. I think heartbroken best describes the combination of anger, fear and sadness I was feeling that day. I really had a special bond with him because he had lived with us for so long and I was filled with so much hope when he made this huge grown up decision to turn his life around and when he changed his mind and moved back on Friday I didn't know what to think! This time he hurt a lot of people he was very close to and that was the hardest part for me to wrap my mind around because even with all the issues we have had and hard times we have been through with him, he has maintained his respect for the people who have always been there for him but he didn't walk away from this situation with his head held high or with the honesty and integrity that I had seen in him in the past. So that was part one of my weekend...my Husband and I spent all day Fri and Sat being angry and upset over all this and then Sunday we spent the day in fellowship with friends from church and then I went to a Matthew West Concert on Sunday night. It was the most moving experience I have ever had and I really needed it that day. It is amazing how God works! The theme of Matthew West's new album is "The Story of Your Life"; he asked his fans to write to him their stories and he was going to write his songs based on some of the stories he received. There were stories of triumph and sadness but over all he did an amazing job of choosing stories that everyone can relate to and writing the songs in a way that you feel like he truly wrote it about your life as well. My new theme song for my life is "Strong Enough" Have you ever heard the phrase "I know God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much" I have heard this several times in my life as a stepmom and also as a mom to my biological sons and now one of those Sons has some serious struggles with behavioral issues. And I have believed it in my heart and there have been times where I was angry with God for putting me through all this and angry at myself for not understanding why God would put this on me but I have new light and understanding!
Sunday was a huge turning point for me and changed the course of my life as a Mom and this blog. I am still here to reach out to other Moms going through the same things I am going through because I was convicted to do it but I am not going to only make subtle mention of my faith in here anymore because in all honesty God is number one in my life and I should not hide that for fear that some will not read what I have to say because of it. I should have faith in the Lord that he convicted me to come out of my comfort zone and share my story with the Blog world for a reason and hiding him in the process will not give him the glory or allow this blog to be everything he wanted it to be. Another heart changing thing that has happen since Sunday is the process of letting go...I am cleansing my new life and letting go of some of the painful baggage. I am not calling my stepsons baggage but the emotions I have tied to them over the past 5 years are the baggage I am holding on to and it is hindering my ability to move on. I will always love them because I feel like they are my sons too but they are almost 18 and they have been making grown up decisions for some time now and they will have to learn the consequences of those decisions on their own. We have tried to talk and lecture them on the mistakes they are making but it has done nothing but frustrate us and make us angry and that is something we have to let go of. We have to accept that we have done everything we can to help so far and it has been with no acceptance from them. We will pray for them to be successful in whatever they decide to do in their lives but that is all we are going to do for now. I am a huge fan of Intervention and that is where I think we are with the twins...We will do ANYTHING to help them get better but there is nothing we will do to continue to support their decision to stay on the path they are on. Also as part of this cleansing I am no longer going to waste my energy on "spying" on them on Facebook and MySpace, it is not worth it because there is nothing we can do about what we see other than worry and that only takes away from our focus on the two little ones we have in the house. I love those twins more than they will ever realize but I have to let go and restructure my priorities to make a healthier environment for my little guys and I think all this growing and learning has only made me a stronger woman, wife and mother and that I will be eternally grateful for!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Mexican Spaghetti Squash Casserole
I have decided to make Friday my Gluten Free Recipe share day! We made the choice to go Gluten Free with our Son and I have seen a huge change! We chose not to go cassien free (info for another blog) but most these recipes can be adapted to be dairy free as well. In this particular recipe you can use a dairy free cheese or omit the cheese all together and it will still have a wonderful flavor.
Mexican Spaghetti Squash Casserole
2 spaghetti squash
1 can of "Chili Ready" diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can black beans, drained
1 1/4 cup shredded Monterey Jack Cheese
2 tsp minced garlic (my family loves garlic so you can cut that in half if you are not huge fans)
1 tsp Garlic Salt
1 tsp ground Cumin
Preheat oven 350
Cut squash in half lengthwise and remove seeds.
Place open side down on a baking sheet and bake for one hour
While the squash is baking...
Put the diced tomatoes, black beans, minced garlic, galic salt and cumin in a large bowl (large enough to add the squash), mix well and let stand in the fridge while your squash is baking
Once your squash is done(leave the oven at 350), shred it with a fork and then add it to the bowl, mix well
Add 3/4 cup of the cheese to the mixture and stir well again
Spray a 2 qt casserole dish with non-stick cooking spray and place the mixture in the bowl put 1/2 cup cheese over the top and bake for 30 minutes
It will be very hot when it comes out, I always pull out two servings for my kids so they cool much faster and then let the rest stand until it is cool enough to eat.
YUM YUM! Enjoy!
Mexican Spaghetti Squash Casserole
2 spaghetti squash
1 can of "Chili Ready" diced tomatoes, undrained
1 can black beans, drained
1 1/4 cup shredded Monterey Jack Cheese
2 tsp minced garlic (my family loves garlic so you can cut that in half if you are not huge fans)
1 tsp Garlic Salt
1 tsp ground Cumin
Preheat oven 350
Cut squash in half lengthwise and remove seeds.
Place open side down on a baking sheet and bake for one hour
While the squash is baking...
Put the diced tomatoes, black beans, minced garlic, galic salt and cumin in a large bowl (large enough to add the squash), mix well and let stand in the fridge while your squash is baking
Once your squash is done(leave the oven at 350), shred it with a fork and then add it to the bowl, mix well
Add 3/4 cup of the cheese to the mixture and stir well again
Spray a 2 qt casserole dish with non-stick cooking spray and place the mixture in the bowl put 1/2 cup cheese over the top and bake for 30 minutes
It will be very hot when it comes out, I always pull out two servings for my kids so they cool much faster and then let the rest stand until it is cool enough to eat.
YUM YUM! Enjoy!
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