Yesterday did not go well....I didn't get up until 6:45am and that only gave me enough time to start my coffee before peanut was up and then Monkey was up a short 30 min later. It took me nearly 3 hrs to write yesterday's post because of all the interruptions...ugh! And that was only the beginning... Goal to help Monkey during Nap Time...FAIL Had to run an event tent back to another restaurant about 1.5 hours from my house so with traffic it ended up being a 3.5 hr adventure during nap time :( Getting household chores done during the day...FAIL Boys in bed by 9:30...fail The day did not go well but when I was driving and the kids were screaming all I could think about was in only a few short hours when they are fast asleep I will have some peace with my books....(sigh)
So there I sat last night with my candles lit, tea kettle warming on the stove, slightly frustrated with myself for the way the day went but despite the swept but not mopped floor that was under my feet and the pile of unfolded laundry that sat on the pool tale behind me, I was calm again. With this challenge I have found a place to feel peaceful at night. No matter what kind of day I have had the Word of God has given me some comfort.
Then I read my devotional for the night and I was confused...
"Jesus asked the boy's father, 'How long has he been like this?' 'From childhood,' he answered. 'It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. If you can?' Jesus said 'Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'" Mark 9:21-24
Kathy Medina went on to write her personal reflections on healing. She is convinced that God will heal her son someday...this kind of confused me because she made me feel like because I don't think God will heal my son I am not a believer. I believe God is capable and if it is part of his plan to heal my son, he can and will do it but I don't feel the need to pray for that healing everyday. Does this make me an unbeliever? I was very confused and a little concerned about my faith, had I missed something? SO I sat there blankly staring at my Bible "looking" for my answers but really I was just flipping the pages and praying to God for an answer to come flying out at me...lol I was crazy, it takes reading to find the answer not just blank stares...BUT I did find my answer with my prayers and reflections. Of course God does not heal all who believe on earth but he does heal you of all when you reach heaven. SO then I was on a quest to find the right scripture to back me up on this and stumbled on this scripture that spoke to me the most.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak , then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
So I am not wrong to think like that. God does chose not to heal in some cases because he sees a greater purpose in the weakness than in the healing. I guess where I see my own unbelief is in the fear that if God does choose to heal my Son then he will lose some of his quirks that make him who he is and the things that make him special. I have to believe that God has made him this way for a reason and I will see that reason in time. I also have to see that if healing is what is part of the plan that God has plans beyond my understanding at this time. The control freak in me has a hard time with letting go and and just accepting sometimes.
Because the devotional was all about healing I decided to grab my "Autism Sourcebook" for my non-Bible Study time. I opened up to the section on "Healing" expecting some kind of crazy chapter on how to heal your child's Autism (there are A LOT of theories out there on what the right cure is) I personally feel it is a neurological condition of the brain and the only thing that can truly heal it would be a miracle of God but I do feel with proper treatment and dedication you can get your child to a point where they appear to be "normal" and lead a "normal" life but I think the Autism is always there even if you have found a way to deal with it...ok off my soap box (I am sure others have their different opinions but this is just mine)
So, based on previous books I have read I was pleasantly surprised to read this...
"What I'm really talking about in this chapter is self-healing: accepting ourselves, our spouses, our families, and our children with ASDs."
"I now think of healing as an active process: an energetic and constantly evolving process that encompasses hope and acceptance."
"It's amazing what can happen when we really accept our children. We learn to experience life in the moment. Our perspectives change. We value the things we used to take for granted. We learn to celebrate little victories. In fact, little victories become monumental events--our child waves or claps for the first time; we get our first real hug from our four-year-old; we have a family outing, and there's not one tantrum. Allowing ourselves to embrace these moments is part of the healing process."
It was nice to read this chapter on healing because it just reaffirmed what I am doing is the right thing for this stage in my journey with my Son. Instead of obsessing over what I can do to heal him I have to get myself in the right place to help him and that place is at peace with our lives. At peace with the challenges that lay ahead for us. Accepting and without expectation, unattainable expectations will only hurt him and frustrate me and those are two feelings we do not need to add to this already chaotic life we lead. Peace and Love in the chaos...is what we need to hold on to. I thank God for this challenge because it is bringing me to the right place, oh Lord how you know my heart better than I :)
Goal for Today: Same as yesterday..."Puzzle Time with Mommy"
Come back later for my Recipe Share! I am getting back to that finally! I have a yummy dessert to share and lots of pics to illustrate :)
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